This is a tough one…

There are a lot of definitions of the word “family”. It means lots of different things to lots of different people. My definition of family is the people that mean the most to you, regardless of sharing the same blood line. There are people in my life that I consider family that aren’t even related to me. On the other end of that thought, there are people that are related to me that I don’t consider family.

The classic interpretation of family would be that you go to the ends of the Earth for your family, meaning the ones that share your blood. I’ve been breathing now for a little over 44 years, and that interpretation to me makes no sense. Just because we share blood doesn’t require me to travel to the ends of the Earth for you.

I believe it all comes down to personality, compatibility, compassion, and the return you get when you do go out of your way for this person. There should be a mutual return of the same energy you give. If there isn’t, and it is always that way, the truth is that you just don’t mean as much to them as they mean to you. If you linger in that relationship or situation long enough, it just leads to frustration and resentment.

Of course, there’s some automatic compassion or love you have for your parents, especially since they are the ones that brought you into the world, and without them you wouldn’t exist. But, that doesn’t obligate you to deal with the abuse, aggravation, stress and anxiety that entails when they are persistent with their demeaning and negative ways. I’m not saying that you should drop all communication with your parents if they’re aggravating to be around, that’s completely up to the individual, but I can tell you that your feelings matter.

I think we, as a society, take abuse of many types and deal with anxiety-causing situations just because we think we have to. Not to get religious on you, but it does say in the Bible to “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.” (Exodus 20:12). With that said, there again it depends on your definition of honour.

Not to dig too deep into my personal life, but my dad did some terrible things and my mom was aware and didn’t bother to tell me or my wife. Needless to say, I haven’t talked to them in a few years now. I feel like that’s the best option out of the limited options I have. They raised me in church – Southern Baptist – and we were there every time the doors were open. I can’t say that dragging me to church every service was a bad thing because I learned a lot and have a good understanding of the moral code assigned to us by God. What I can say is that if you’re not careful, going to church every time the doors are open could turn into a cult-like atmosphere.

I didn’t mean for this to get sidetracked into the religious realm, but it’s part of my family history, so bear with me. I met my wife in church. We’ve been married 27 years now, as of the date I’m writing this. We have 4 beautiful children, and 4 wonderful and beautiful grandchildren. All of that I would never change. My wife and I went to school together, but she’s 3 years older than me, so she graduated and I had 2 years of high school left. She got pregnant at 19 and I was 16. Life hit us in the face early and we got married. The rest is history…

Now that my kids are mostly grown, my oldest being 27 and youngest 16, my family definition has changed a little. My two oldest kids have their own kids now. They’re starting where I started 27 years ago. It’s odd looking back at it that way. Being 44 years old now, I’ve gained a different perception of what family means. It’s still those that mean the most to you, regardless of blood line. The only thing that changes is the number of people. My kids having their own kids has automatically raised that number for me. I know people my age that never see their kids, or their grandchildren. It would be nice to have a family that’s still talking and seeing each other in another 20 years, but who knows what the future holds.

I would have never thought my relationship with my own parents would be what it is today, from back when I was growing up. Things were done that changed the course of my relationship with my parents forever, and it completely sucks. We’re dealing with it for the most part, and all I can do is be there for my family. For those of you out there that have parents that have been good to you and available when you need them, you should thank them. If they’ve treated you with respect as their child and as an adult with your own family, you should thank them. I’ve lost the opportunity to know what that’s like.

I hope to remain the man, the husband, the dad, and the grandpa that my family needs me to be. I think that’s all a man can do – strive to be what your family needs. As the head of the household, I will provide, protect, and serve my family as long as I am able to. I think that should be the goal of every man with a family. I heard it said today that you’ll be considered a great man, dependable and loyal, but you won’t be here to hear it. At your funeral, most everyone will talk about how great you were and how you provided and loved your family, but you won’t hear it. Your presence blocks all that and it isn’t thought about much while you’re here. It’s when you’re gone and everyone realizes everything you did while you were here that those thoughts start.

I want to make it a more recurring pattern in my life – create a new habit, if you will, to tell my wife, kids, and grandchildren that I appreciate them and what they do. Family is what matters most, especially since the definition of family is those who mean the most to you…